Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Staying Centered, Finding Balance
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they stay centered and find balance. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***
As I sit down to write I am in my most interrupted parenting state possible: my husband is out with the older kids and our newborn daughter is sleeping on my chest in the sling. Early on in my parenting I made a firm decision about nurturing my children – I would do it well, at whatever cost.
Part of that cost was challenged when my first was just a wee one and I read a book by a psychologist who wrote, “Uninterrupted parenting is good for no one.” Yeah, he probably doesn’t even have children, I thought. What does he mean by ‘uninterrupted parenting’? It’s not like interrupting the role actually changes anything. Parenting isn’t something that stops at night or when you go out away from the kids, and taking a break from parenting is selfish and potentially cruel… or so I thought.
I wasn’t very good at taking time for myself from the start. I enjoyed being with my first born, I was over-protective largely due to abuse I’d experienced as a child, and since I wanted this parenting task done “right” I fell into the self-created trap of always doing it myself (even though I made my share of mistakes all alone). The question of whether uninterrupted parenting is good for anyone haunted me on many occasion as I grew to notice that my needs were often last on my list and the resentment accompanying that realization.
Since part of leaving me for last stemmed from the fear of who else would take care of and protect my children it was not easy to actually leave them. So I didn’t do it much at all for years. At first I tried saving time for me in the evenings, after they went to bed. After a while, though, I didn’t like the feeling of almost wishing they’d be in bed so I could have time for me. I wanted to enjoy the time I had with them and not be pushing them to bed in my mind. Television can be entertaining also, but it became clear that I didn’t want a mechanical box with bombarding images babysitting my children. Something had to give.
Life brought about change, as it always does, and I found myself single parenting shortly after the birth of my third child. Divorce from my first husband was on the horizon and although he’d never been much a participant in parenting I was now very concretely on my own, with much less time for me. So I decided to focus on enjoying parenting as much as I could so the need for “me” time wouldn’t be so pressing. That has been quite the journey since there are so many ideas out there on how parenting’s a grind, but I had help and determination so it has made a world of difference to put my focus on joy. Not always easy, but definitely transformational.
As my daughter wakes up, nurses, desires a walk around, dinner’s almost done and the kids are due back while I continue writing, one might wonder if I still disagree with the psychologist about uninterrupted parenting. In my experience of parenting, true interruption isn’t possible because my heart is connected to my children before they are even born. I agree that life’s busy, fast and often overwhelming, which can lead to stressed out parenting with a need to decompress. I also agree that parents cannot maintain happiness or even equilibrium without tending to their own needs… including the basic need to satisfy the soul.
Parents are multi-faceted beings. We are teachers, givers, healers, providers, helpers, disciplinarians, students and much more. When we put ourselves last, everyone suffers. The decision to make a change lies in the mind of each individual parent and there’s no better time than the present. As my son Martin just said while making a list of mottos, “It’s your life, so start workin’ on it.”
Suffering can move one into a place of surrender, not from a place of defeat but to a place of acceptance with a readiness to take appropriate action. In addition to focusing on the joy available in parenting, I started taking time for me as “momma time-ins”. As a positive alternative to the isolationist “time-out”, I would go to the bathroom or bedroom while I’d tend to frustration, anger, sadness and other emotions I don’t want to spill onto my children. I put a list of helpful quotes in a special place and read them to remind me of the value of taking a few minutes to myself, even with the kids on the other side of the door. Time at night when they were sleeping was (and often still is) dedicated to reading self growth books, writing, meditation, yoga, and other expansive or relaxing activities that nourish my being. As the children have grown and I have worked through the abuse issues in my past while gaining trust in others caring for them, I spend time away (in my room with the door closed or somewhere outside the home) in increments that feel good to me while paying attention to what works for the kids also.
Time for me starts with what and how I choose to think in the privacy of my own mind. It is a step into an unknown place, one free from the constraints of outside circumstances dictating my well being. With practice I have become very good at creating inner peace and the need for time alone is greatly reduced although time taken is certainly productive, relaxing, and enjoyable.
Most of all I have found that taking time for myself doesn’t have to interrupt parenting. It can happen while in the midst of calm or chaos. It begins with honoring the need and leading the way so the kids will also pay attention to their needs and take time for them when they need it. It may mean staying silent for a few moments to go within when a child has just spouted off so I respond, instead of react. It may equate to starting a yoga DVD at bedtime because I’m tired and they’re not. It may be scheduling work or writing time, taking a class I’m interested in, or finding someone to accompany me to watch kids while I attend a seminar with the baby in the sling. I have found that there are many creative ways to enjoy the time I have, with or without kids. Taking time for me is really about being present with what is while moving forward in a way that allows everyone’s needs to be met, mine included. 
***
Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated October 12 with all the carnival links.)
- Balance — Sheila at A Gift Universe has put her baby first — and has no regrets. (@agiftuniverse)
- A Moment for Mama — Starr at Earth Mama has learned how to recharge on the run, so she doesn’t miss a moment with her children.
- Take a 30-Minute or 5-Minute Me-Break — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now discusses the merits of taking small daily breaks to maintain balance. (@DebChitwood)
- Achieving Balance — In a guest post at the new Natural Parents Network, Heather explains how yoga has helped her find balance in her personal and family life. (@NatParNet)
- A Stitch in (Quiet) Time Saves Momma’s Mind — Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma didn’t realize she needed “me” time — until she got it and had no idea what to do with herself. (@kitchenwitch)
- Attachment Parenting and Balance — Michelle at The Parent Vortex believes that the last item on the “attachment parenting” list is both the most important and the most overlooked. (@TheParentVortex)
- Little Breaks Bring a Little Balance — Jen at Grow with Graces finds balance – some days! (@growwithgraces)
- Finding Balance — Are you a Type A mama? Dionna at Code Name: Mama is, and she needs your help to find balance. (@CodeNameMama)
- (high)Centered — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine has had a spa gift certificate sitting on her nightstand since last year, a symbol of her inability to take time for herself.
- Taking Time for Me — Marita at Stuff With Thing takes refuge in the world of books, with her daughters immersed in reading beside her. (@leechbabe)
- Writing as a parent: October Carnival of Natural Parenting — Lauren at Hobo Mama didn’t let parenting put her passions on hold. (@Hobo_Mama)
- The Dance of Balance — Balance isn’t static. It is dynamic, it is a dance, it is about keeping in touch with you. Read this wonderful bit of wisdom from Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante. (@seonaid_lee)
- Rest Hour – a Primer — Do you get 15 minutes to yourself each day? How about an hour?! Mrs. H. at Fleeting Moments shares her tips on how to incorporate a “rest hour” for adults and kids.
- Separation Is Critical — Only through enforced separation with the end of her marriage did Jessica at This is Worthwhile realize she should have taken time apart all along. (@tisworthwhile)
- Bread, Roses, and a Side of Guilt. — Betsy at Honest 2 Betsy isn’t ashamed to admit that she enjoys a pint once in awhile, or that her daughter recreates it during pretend play.
- The World from Within My Arms — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds balance despite her work and her husband’s commitment to art through attachment parenting. (@RachaelNevins)
- Balancing the Teeter-Totter — Rebecca is rediscovering balance by exploring her interests and passions in several different categories. She shares in this guest post at The Connected Mom. (@theconnectedmom)
- Balancing this Life — Danielle at born.in.japan is slowly learning the little tricks that make her family life more balanced. (@borninjp)
- Uninterrupted Parenting — Amy at Innate Wholeness has learned that she does not need to interrupt parenting in order to find balance.
- Knitting for My Family — Knitting is more than just a hobby for Kellie at Our Mindful Life, it is her creative and mental outlet, it has blessed her with friendships she might not otherwise have had, and it provides her with much-needed balance.
- Taking the Time — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker has all the time she needs, now her girls are just a bit older.
- Please, Teach Me How — Amy at Anktangle needs your help: please share how you find time for yourself, because she is struggling. (@anktangle)
- A Pendulum Swings Both Ways — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment found herself snapping with too little time for herself, and then veered toward too much.
- Finding Balance Amidst Change — It took a season of big changes and added responsibility, but Melodie of Breastfeeding Moms Unite! now feels more balanced and organized as a mama than ever before. (@bfmom)
- At Home with Three Young Children: The Search for Balance, Staying Sane — With three young kids, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings knows parents sometimes have to adjust their expectations of how much downtime they can reasonably have. (@sunfrog)
- Attachment Parenting? And finding some “Me Time” — As a mother who works full time, Momma Jorje wants “me” time that includes her daughter.
- A Balancing Act — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes has concrete ways to help keep centered with a little one and a new baby on the way, from exercise to early bedtimes to asking for help. (@sheryljesin)
- Aspiring Towards Libra — Are your soul-filling activities the first to be pushed aside when life gets hectic? Kelly of KellyNaturally.com aspires to make time for those “non-necessities” this year. (@kellynaturally)
- SARKisms for Sanity — Erica at ChildOrganics has found renewed inspiration to take baths and laugh often from a book she had on the shelf. (@childorganics)
“It may mean staying silent for a few moments to go within when a child has just spouted off so I respond, instead of react.” This right here – this is my biggest indicator of whether I need to do more to find balance in my life. When I am relatively calm and centered, I am so much more present and gentle with Kieran. Behavior that might make me see red one day, I can handle with a smile and soothing words the next. This, to me, is the most important part of finding balance at this stage of my parenting journey – not only is it healthy for me, but it’s healthy for my relationship with my child and my partner!
This is such a pertinent post for me, a mama to a ten month old who doesn’t sleep alone, ever. I’ve learned to allow myself moments to daydream while he’s safely playing, a little one-handed reading time after he’s gone to sleep. I have friends who are pretty persistent with suggestions for how to get him to sleep on his own, stop nursing through the night, etc., but this time is so fleeting and I want to be attuned to his needs, not trying to break his will because I’m jonesing for a mani-pedi (which I am, no doubt).
I commend you on your strength, sense of self, and desire to reach for inner strength in the littler moments. That’s something to be proud of.
I enjoyed reading this post. I particularly enjoyed the thought of “your” time starting with what and how you chose to think in your own mind. I love that you can create inner peace for yourself in the midst of calm or chaos. This is an idea I’ve really have been trying to incorporate into my own life. However, I still need a lot more practice!
I just learned that trick of doing something quiet just before bed when the kids aren’t tired but I am. And I mean something besides a story which when they are hyper and jumping around on the bed next to me isn’t any fun at all (when I am tired). A couple nights ago I put on a quiet sleepy time CD and the kids were so surprised they chilled out almost immediately. Good trick! Glad to know someone else uses it too!
I’m with you, Dionna
Stefanie, hold to what your heart says – and break the norm: take the baby with you in a sling or carrier to a mani/pedi. Yeah, it will be different, but everyone’s needs can be met. Or take someone with you to play in the waiting area with the baby while you relax
Thank you, Jessica
Practice is what Life’s all about, Erica
I’m still practicing and every moment makes a difference. It’s so interesting as I delve deeper into what makes me and others tick – we’re quite the intricate beings. But at the core we are really simple, too!
I used to yell or get frustrated, Melodie, then I learned (still learning) the full value of leading by example. Such a shift between trying to force kids to “settle down” and just putting on something quiet to enjoy with everyone. LOL
Thanks everyone for your feedback!
This is a wonderful perspective. I’ve never been able to hack uninterrupted parenting, myself, but the advice you give here is still relevant for those of us who are just parenting beyond our comfort zones. Sometimes it’s too late, I’m too tired, or I just want to *get something done*… but their needs and mine can’t always be met at the same time. And then it’s time for some deep breathing!
I also have “Life is Practice” written on my living room wall, and put the kids toys under the shelf of sacred things as a reminder that it’s all part of the same whole.
Thanks so much for this post!
I suppose I could have been more clear: I agree with the psychologist that uninterrupted parenting is good for no one. LOL
Especially in our culture where support is limited for parents who don’t adhere to cultural norms…
At the same time we’re always at exactly the ‘right’ place for our own growth and at times that means putting a child’s needs first and in our own face so we can see again that we matter, too
Thanks for commenting!
What a beautiful way you have of writing! I’m glad you were able to honor your own fears stemming from the abuse issues and find a way to trust in other caregivers that was still respectful to your needs. I really need and use those “time-ins” you speak of as well, where I need to blow off steam away from my child. Even that can feel sometimes to me like “neglectful” parenting — but we’re allowed to have emotions and off days, too.
I’ve been carrying some note-cards with helpful quotes around in my purse. But I never have my purse available even if I were to remember to take a “time-in.” So task #1 for me: put those cards in my bathroom! I want to practice this more, because the time between alone moments can sometimes stretch far and long, and I often feel like I need much more than I’m getting. Thanks for your inspiring post!
I hear you, Lauren. When I first started taking time for a few minutes away from the kids when feeling upset I felt neglectful but soon realized it was way better than angry reaction!
It’s much easier now after using anger consciously to stay present with the kids and talk through what comes up, but there was a learning curve for all of us.
I put cards in my bathroom, too, Mrs. H!
About 20. LOL Then we started writing them on hearts to post all around the house for everyone’s benefit. You are correct that *remembering* the importance of taking just a few moments is key. Silence also works well – not to shut anyone out, but to go within. Sometimes it’s better than going away, depending on where one is at emotionally.